Connect with us

Hi, what are you looking for?

Culture

The King’s Jester: Doomsayer avocado toast eaters say everything is bad, but here’s why they’re wrong

Design by Amida Anand.

“The King’s Jester” is a satire column that Roar runs in collaboration with the KCL Comedy Club. If you’re interested in writing an article for this column, email your submission to [email protected] or send it to @kclcomedyclub on Instagram.

Every day, it seems as if you wake up and hear nothing but things you really don’t want to hear. Economy is in flames. Favourite restaurant has closed down. Healthcare is about to collapse. Wars and the climate crisis. Missed the train. Increasing levels of polarisation. Nolan didn’t rerelease Memento for the 7th time. Even your heroes are villains. It’s all rather off-putting in complete honesty.

But what am I even talking about? Well, the story here starts somewhere in the late 1970s. Prime Minister Callaghan walked through the ivory doors and announced Britain was to be saved by the IMF. Things were bad. Some person called Thatcher won an election. Coca-Cola vs Pepsi. Nukes. The 80s. History ended. Good times. Junk bonds and eternal austerity. Bebo. Eating laundry detergent. That’s it. Things went topsy-turvy, to say the least. A layman like myself might say the people aren’t too happy. Or have brain damage from eating toxic cleaning chemicals.

The “experts” say real people have had their lives imploded over the decisions of ideologues pushing magical fiscal theories. Fun. Backpedals and gambits seem to be the order of the day with nothing but disastrous results for the common person. You could say the neos and posts have gone too far. I say they are totally trying to make an honest living. Won’t someone think of the poor bankers?

So, what gives? Why the anger? What’s even happening?

Certain experts hypothesise this is reflective of headlines like food costs jumping 14.6% in less than a year and negative economic forecasts. Maybe the idea that people are losing their jobs, livelihoods and homes is bad. Perhaps this profit gouging is purely free money for investors in dying industries. These so-called experts then start to ask questions like “Why did political extremists tank the economy for fun?” and “Why are corporations so willing to cut ordinary people to the bone for excess profits?”

But that stuff is too outlandish. Ludicrous even. As the only adult in the room, the sad truth is that people are obviously too weak and soft nowadays. Hailstorms. No, that’s not it. Blizzards? Something winter weather related. So, if it is the usual suspects then what is then?

People lack moral fortitude and grit. A lack of global conflicts, famines and diseases in the Western hemisphere has eroded our society away. Back in the past, our forefathers used to walk 10 hours each way to school. They inhaled lead gasoline and ate CFCs with asbestos-seasoned chips. They walked into factories after school and got jobs by shaking the owner’s hands hard enough. They aspired and achieved only for their kids and grandkids to be massive losers.

Anyway, the point is that years of stability have made the people of old Blighty into a nation of whiny complainers who won’t pull up their bootstraps and work. Or is it that they work too much? I don’t know or care. The edict issued by my benefactors is that the people are the problem, not the institutions. So shut up.

Nevertheless, the late Billy Joel (not dead) said we didn’t start the fire since it was always there. Cool song. On this basis, I think people shouldn’t abdicate any shred of responsibility. Instead, they should start to mobilise through social media like Vine and MySpace. To do what? Encourage unfettered consumerism. Anyway, if you don’t mind, I must collect my cheque from my anonymous benefactor who is not affiliated with any dubious think tanks or lobbyist groups. Bye.

King's College London. Award-winning student newspaper, a platform to share your story, and a publication that holds entities accountable when no one else dares.

Latest

Golden light falls in shards around the silhouettes of Standing at the Sky's Edge cast members, each of which are singing at a microphone.

Culture

Writer Evelyn Shepphird reviews “Standing at the Sky’s Edge”. Standing at the Sky’s Edge sets Sheffield local Richard Hawley’s music against Sheffeild’s iconic Park...

King's Scientists at the Royal Society Summer Exhibition 2024. Image courtesy of Alena Lastovko. King's Scientists at the Royal Society Summer Exhibition 2024. Image courtesy of Alena Lastovko.

Science & Technology

King’s physicists were invited to showcase their work last week at the prestigious Royal Society Summer Science Exhibition. Roar News had the chance to...

KCLSU logo KCLSU logo

KCLSU & Societies

Hassan Ali, who received the most votes in this year’s King’s College London Student Union (KCLSU) Presidential Election, has been disqualified from taking office...

License: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/at/deed.en Author: solacebase.com https://solacebase.com/van-dijk-speaks-on-netherlands-disallowed-goal/ License: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/at/deed.en Author: solacebase.com https://solacebase.com/van-dijk-speaks-on-netherlands-disallowed-goal/

Sport

Staff writer Oliver Harrison reports on the Netherlands versus Romania game in the Round of 16 of the 2024 UEFA European Championship. Netherlands beat...

License: https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Southgate_2023.jpg Author: Simon Walker / No 10 Downing Street License: https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Southgate_2023.jpg Author: Simon Walker / No 10 Downing Street

Sport

Staff writer Oliver Harrison weighs up the consequences of England manager Gareth Southgate’s decisions regarding his EURO 2024 squad. Gareth Southgate made a gamble...

Culture

Staff writer Connor Williams reviews the delightfully dark show “Ruination” and then interviews its director, Ben Duke.  Planning a trip to the Underworld this...

Culture

“The King’s Jester” is a satire column that Roar runs in collaboration with the KCL Comedy Club. If you’re interested in writing an article for this...

Culture

“The King’s Jester” is a satire column that Roar runs in collaboration with the KCL Comedy Club. If you’re interested in writing an article...

Culture

Roar writer Ben Lewis reviews “Bodies Bodies Bodies”, a comedy whodunit that smartly satirises Gen Z and its toxic relationship with technology. Today’s society,...