“The King’s Jester” is a relaunched satire column of Roar News.
PANDEMONIUM has broken loose in KCLSU as U.S. president Donald Trump prematurely declared victory in this year’s hotly-contested election – despite the results not being released until 12 March. Seemingly discontent with being America’s head of state, he has set his sights on King’s College London’s most prized office – the Student Union presidency.
The 79-year-old somehow managed to gain access to KEATS and sent the following to every student’s Outlook early on Friday morning:
I won this election, by a LOT! I am leading, often Bigly, in all key Campuses – even Waterpoo… But the Radical Left Student Union and low ratings ‘Bore News’ are trying to RIG this Election against yours truly! They are making our Big, Beautiful Lead ‘disappear’ with thousands of FAKE online ballots for ‘Aditi’, ‘Arjun’, ‘Hannah’, ‘Luqmaan’, ‘Sanaa’ and ‘Sarah’ – and who the hell is ‘Re-Open Nominations??’ Never heard of them – nobody is more loved at KCL than Me, and certainly not these Slimy Seven – Zero Talent! Patriots, you have to Stop the Steal to MAKE KING’S GREAT AGAIN! Thank you for your attention to this matter. #KCL #MKGA
Friday’s developments mark the latest climax in an increasingly controversial presidential election. Mr. Trump ran on a manifesto pledging:
- A 60% protective tariff on all UCL and LSE students
- To rename the Department of English to the Department of American
- The demolition of Denmark Hill (to make room for a Trump golf course and two casinos)
- A $1.5trn budget for the Department of War (Studies)
During Candidate Question Time with Roar News on Monday, he sparked furore with an off-script jibe at students from a certain campus.
“In Denmark Hill, they’re eating the dogs. The students down there, they’re eating the cats. They’re eating – they’re eating the pets of the people that live there.”
But Mr. Trump is making surprising inroads with the electorate even in the face of his incendiary nature. When pressed about Trump’s claims of pet-eating, one ‘MKGA’ supporter on the Strand campus replied:
“Well he’s not wrong, is he? You go down to Denny Hill and see for yourself.”
The King’s Jester politely declined this invitation.
