Maughan Hub: Nobody Who Came Up with “Eat Out to Help Out” has Ever Gone Down on Their Wife

Maughan Hub is a series of articles written by KCL’s Comedy Society members, published on Wednesdays. We hope they entertain you wherever you are!

The British Government’s August scheme is a huge hit, with 50% off restaurant meals between Monday and Wednesday. However, its name is a clear giveaway that, despite their keenness to Help Out the hospitality industry, officials in charge are significantly less eager to Help Out their wives. 

The careless, innuendo-laden phrasing strongly suggests that the concept of giving heterosexual oral is so foreign to them, they didn’t even recognise the entendre. We, at Maughan Hub, would like to pose that nobody who came up with Eat Out to Help Out has ever gone down on their wife. 

To the wives of the cabinet, and, indeed, to the straight, female significant others of every MP: if the only times you’ve ever heard “Eat Out,” from your partner have been followed by “To Help Out,” you deserve better. You deserve pleasure, equality, and justice. You deserve to be able to ask “what that mouth do?” and have a response beyond “enjoy half priced meals.” 

“I actually can’t believe this,” fumed one cabinet-member wife, who prefers to remain anonymous. “Every single time I’ve mentioned the words ‘eat out’ to him, he’s run through all the classic male excuses: acted unfamiliar with the concept, given me ten seconds of meaningful eye contact and asked if I finished, pretended to have a stroke, etc. But the second someone in Downing Street says the very same thing, he’s entirely on board. How come he’s so willing to move that tongue to talk to the nation, but never for me?”

The UK Polling Report has released statistics that show a mass national deflection to the Labour party. Despite the orgasm gap transcending political affiliation, “for the many and not the few” is an undeniably attractive slogan after this injustice. Perhaps this is the hope we need to carry us through the rest of 2020.