Maughan Hub: Ministry of Defence Announces Goal of 50% Female War Criminals by 2030

Maughan Hub is a series of articles written by KCL’s Comedy Society members, published on Wednesdays. We hope they entertain you wherever you are!

The Ministry of Defence has today announced the preliminary plans aimed at increasing the gender balance among its employed international war criminals. The statement, made by newly appointed Secretary of State for Defence Amaya Crook, outlined numerous steps to be taken in upcoming years with the ultimate goal of reaching complete gender representation by 2030. In the announcement, Crook stated:

“As a woman, there have been many times in my career when I was told that committing egregious acts of unjustified military violence was a man’s job, and that I should stay clear. Today, having reached the top of my profession, I intend to right that wrong. Moving forward, the Ministry of Defence will do all that is necessary to ensure that gender no longer acts as a systemic barrier to women bringing about the slaughter of countless innocent people. To all the little girls out there who dream of inflicting permanent damage and political instability upon impoverished foreign nations, we intend to create a bright, harmonious future in which individuals are judged not by their gender but by the strength of their military intervention.”

Also mentioned in the announcement were plans for a new Ministry of Defence work experience program, in which underrepresented teenagers from local schools will be given the opportunity to work briefly alongside current staff, as they wilfully disregard even the most basic of human rights and attempt to justify it after the fact. When asked to comment, the head teacher of Shearwater Academy in London described the program as “a wonderful opportunity to engage the imaginations of our most driven and psychopathic students.”

The announcement has drawn considerable support from women’s rights activists, such as feminist historian Isla White, who called the announcement on Twitter a “beacon of hope for all aspiring war criminals.” Despite the support, however, the announcement has not been without its criticisms. Men’s rights activist and personal hygiene critic Nick Beard posted a worryingly long video response to the announcement on his 5,000 subscriber YouTube channel. Its arguments included:

“This is exactly what’s wrong with these snowflake feminazis. Political correctness infecting the traditions of the glorious West once again. First, they wanted gender equality for public toilets, now they want it for crimes against humanity. Where will it end? Everyone knows that men are – statistically speaking, of course – better at violating the rights of third world minorities than women. It’s just biology. Facts. Heard of them? These crazy SJWs haven’t.”