Maughan Hub: Student Plans to Single-Handedly Save Philosophy Bar

Maughan Hub is a series of articles written by KCL’s Comedy Society members, published on Wednesdays. We hope they entertain you wherever you are!

Ah, Philosophy Bar—that seedy little Norfolk Building enclave that collected and distilled the exam week tears of so many King’s students. Only a few weeks ago, Phil Bar announced that due to Covid-19 concerns, Philosophy Bar will be closing down – maybe permanently. Anonymous insider sources—which, despite its 10-person capacity, Phil Bar somehow has?— confirm that Phil Bar had actually been operating at a loss for a while now. Big ups to the manager that somehow managed not to make a profit off a bar inside of a uni building. 

But all of this is about to change. Enter: Al Coholic, Class of 2024, the incoming student that was going to single-handedly save Phil Bar.

“It’s really not that complicated. Pandemic or no pandemic, King’s or no King’s, I am making it my mission to drink enough to save this lively King’s establishment,” says Al. “This isn’t about me anymore. This isn’t about the sesh. This is about honouring our history.” In years past, the brave men of this same island have flooded foreign beaches to boldly defend what’s theirs, and to secure a shining future for their children. Now Mr. Coholic, like so many of his ancestors, serves his nation in that same fashion: flooding his bloodstream with patriotism.

“I’ve done the math and because I took A Level Economics, I know exactly what I’m doing. Honestly, I’m a bit of an entrepreneur that way, always thinking of how to save small businesses,” he continues. Already several pints deep into his charitable endeavour, he has slurred every ‘s’ he has said; and yet, like a true hero, he still attempts to pronounce “businesses”. 

“I’ve been saving small bars like this since I was fifteen right, so I can barely even feel my own heroism. Really, my humility numbs my face. And actually, my liver will also be shutting down in solidarity with Phil Bar. No need to thank me.”

Al’s sacrifice will surely be remembered, and we at Maughan Hub look forward to his knighthood.