Maughan Hub: Thanks to KCL, Four More Strains of Covid-19 Exist

0
343
Maughan Hub: Thanks to KCL, Four More Strains of Covid-19 Exist

The Culture section would like to introduce you to our new Comedy series: Maughan Hub! All articles are written by the Comedy Society members and will be published on Wednesdays. We hope they entertain you wherever you are!

In July 2020, King’s College London identified a total of six different types of coronavirus. This is a significant increase from the two classifications of the virus that existed previously. As a result, Maughan Hub has no option but to conclude that KCL single-handedly caused four more strains of Covid-19.

The evidence is undeniable,” Dr. Camilla Nunes tells us on reliable authority. “Before their Symptom Tracker app, we only had to deal with two variations of the virus. But the second they release their findings, there are six? King’s DEFINITELY had something to do with this. Those four strains probably wouldn’t even exist if they just knew when to keep their mouths shut.”

Students’ disappointment with King’s over their passing of information to the police, or their treatment of international students, pales in comparison to the betrayal they feel now. “It’s absolutely typical,” grumbled one disgruntled Geography student. “I had to chase up the administrators because I still hadn’t received my module results. Instead of replying, they just told me, and the rest of the country, that there were four new strains of Covid-19.” He reports feeling disappointed, though not surprised, that KCL had time to create new variations of the most critical virus of our generation, but not to give him his results on time. More on this as it develops.

UCL, King’s rival university, held a press conference in light of the announcement. “We bloody knew it,” a UCL spokesperson stated. “We’ve been saying King’s has been behind the virus the whole time. Hell, that’s probably why the virus was airborne — makes it easier to disperse people blocking up the hallways. It is regrettable that we were not taken seriously; we could have released our planned attacks on KCL before it was too late.”

King’s College London have declined to comment, claiming they were too busy conducting even more research into coronavirus (????!!!!!!!!). However, upon analysing KCL’s mode of operation, Maughan Hub has discovered a glimmer of hope. There is a chance that KCL is attempting to develop the virus the way they develop their students – by piling more and more information upon it, until it breaks down entirely.

Until we know for sure, there is only so much we can do: wear masks, hope, and tremble in fear at the laboratories in the Franklin Wilkins Building. Stay safe and stay vigilant; there is so much we do not know.

Further Maughan Hub articles can be found here.

Do you agree? Leave a comment