Staff Writer Angela Alberti shares personal reflections on family ties, highlighting the importance of choice in creating lasting connections
I haven’t seen my father in about two years now. I had been struggling with the idea of cutting ties for a long time, and I believe I would have done it so much earlier if not for my peers.
For some reason, there is a strong cultural pressure around blood relations, as if the blood coursing through their veins makes them entitled to your time and energy no matter who they are, what they do, how they act. We’ve all grown up with sayings like: ‘Blood runs thicker than water’, ‘family is the most important thing in the world’. I cannot argue that for some people this rings true. But what about for the rest of us?
I was eight when my parents divorced. That same year (maybe that same month) my dad met my stepmom (‘met’ might not be the right term here? Rather: My dad fell victim to my stepmom). It was fine for a couple years (by fine, I mean the abuse was only psychological and I was willing to put up with it for the sake of my dad). At 12 there was a big fight and I decided to stop seeing them every other weekend. After that, our relationship slowly shrivelled down to two meals a year (4 on ‘lucky’ years) during which we had superficial small talk about the most recent shows we’d watched and loved.
During these years of what some might call a relationship (albeit a withering one), I forced myself to go to birthday dinners and Christmas dinners in order to make the people around me happy, rather than myself. I hated every minute of every interaction. Every time I stepped towards that front door it felt like walking through a sea of melted marshmallows, every step harder than the last, every bit of my body holding me back. Then, I stepped inside and could no longer breathe.
Happy faces everyone, 3…2…1… Action
It is a strange thing telling a child they cannot abandon their father, I never understood it. I believe children are quite wise through their innocence. They are much more connected to their instincts and intuition. I always knew a relationship with my father was pointless, but all the adults around me seemed to think differently. One can only hear – ‘Oh, but he’s your father, you cannot give up on your relationship, just try harder’ – so many times until one starts doubting their own intuition and thought process. There is a strange sense of strength in numbers, as if a majority means absolute truth or authority. The majority (if not totality) of people around me were saying I wasn’t really allowed to cut ties with my father (reason: oh well, you know, he’s your father… sounds like a solid, bulletproof case your honour).
This relationship (/job) went on for a long time, too long really. Until one day, I went on my first solo trip to India. This trip was very important for me to find more confidence in my independence. Whilst I was in India, I saw a Vedic astrologer — a person who practices Jyotish, a traditional Hindu system of astrology — who, without asking me anything, flat out told me ‘you have no father on this planet, you can give it a rest’. This was the first time anyone had ever validated my feeling of wanting, nay needing, to cut ties. A wave of relief swept over me and I finally felt strong enough to go through with it. After the meeting, I went back to my room and wrote a letter.
No matter how hard it was writing the letter, I had never felt lighter afterwards. I started resenting the people who had delayed the process by arguing that a child must run after their parent (and not the other way around).
The next day, I bumped into a friend I had met earlier during my trip. We sat down to have coffee. I started telling her about the letter I had written the day before, and my feelings towards the entire issue. She responded with the all-too-often-heard ‘well it could be worse’, and then continued to say ‘he could be dead’.
You should be grateful your dad doesn’t want anything to do with you.
It could be worse; he could be dead!
You should be grateful the man your mom brought home after the divorce was abusive.
It could be worse; she could be dead!
You should be grateful you had no childhood.
It could be worse; you could be dead!
I am sure many of us are familiar with these types of responses and have heard it more than once when trying to express ourselves. In the height of the victim Olympics, it can indeed ‘always be worse’, but does that mean the way you are feeling is not valid?
This argument is obviously ridiculous. Although it could ‘possibly be worse’, it does not make your experience and feelings any less valid and worthy. However, it can sometimes put things into perspective and help you make a decision a little bit more light-heartedly.
So, my hope is that this article will help normalise choosing your family, instead of forcing relationships that are sometimes simply not meant to be. We are all on the earth to learn things and perhaps these problematic relatives are here to teach us many things, but that in no way means they are meant to stay in our lives. If a relationship no longer serves you, it is okay to let go, no matter who it involves. In some cases, of course, maintaining even imperfect familial relationships can be meaningful or even healing. It is simply essential to break the taboo in order to give people a sense of wider freedom and support in their decision to nurture or end these relationships.
Of course, it is easy to say, hard to practice. If you feel it’s time, trust your instincts, don’t listen to the chatter and take the leap!
