Rated R. does Great British Bake Off #3: No trifling matter!

By Jessica Moffatt-Owen

Week 3 of Great British Bake Off and it’s trifles, isles flottantes and petit fours. What could go wrong? Apparently, pretty much everything…

 

This week saw some sensational bakes and pretty much everything that could go wrong, went wrong. There were some serious disasters and well as some splendiferous highlights, so here’s my highs and lows of week three of Britain’s favourite TV programme.

Custardgate. Need I say more. Deborah, the one with the shortest fringe I have ever seen in all my life, STOLE HOWARD’S CUSTARD. The marquee saw a custard burglary, theft of the creme anglaise: the ultimate heist? Deliberate? Or did Deborah truly, ‘forget what bowl she put it in’? Dubious. Considering both #custardgate and #poorhoward were trending on Twitter, this was a scandal which will remain in GBBO history forever. (She definitely stole it, her custard was ‘slack’).

Where was Rachel from Friends’ trifle? We all wanted to see some mince floating around in one of them, that would have really spiced things up. ‘Beef? Gooooood’ to quote Joey Tribiani.

Mince? Goooooooood.

Ali’s Christmas jumpers, every week. In summer. Unseasonably festive, Ali is consistently keen for a jazzy bit of knitwear. Brightening up the marquee, next week features a khaki beanie hat – stay tuned.

Ali enjoys a jazzy piece of knitwear.

The moment Mary Berry spritzed pure alcohol into her mouth… and loved it. The concept was genius, to spray pure alcohol onto sponge and to let it absorb the flavours. Perfect base for a trifle. However, the Hollywood, Bezza and Mel were all going bonkers for straight booze. I could practically see the glazed expression on Bezza’s eyes as she stumbled away from Deborah’s bench.

Sue Perkins had a honeycomb orgasm. Kimberley made a stunning honeycomb for the topping for her trifle – and Sue Perkins loved it. And I mean, loved it. Her eyes widened, her mouth went slackjaw… Perkins went to a happy, happy place.

Christine’s dominatrix style baking. Last time, I mentioned how starey Christine was. Not only was she Star Baker this week, congrats all round, but she has revealed her own style of baking… the dominatrix style. ‘Over whipping’, the suspicious brandy snap mould which, as someone highlighted on Twitter, looked like an ornament you would place in an orifice (a butt plug to be crude) and the very creepy wink. Whatever works for you Christine, keep up the dominatrix baking because it got you poll position!

Petit fours. The best thing ever invented. 24 miniatures cakes and biscuits. The idea of stilton and quince biscuits, amazing! Millionaire shortbreads, yes please! Becca’s berry bursts with the perfect mini macroons, GOOD LORD YES. Bring me a silver platter and feed them all to me like a Roman empress.

MacaROON or macaRON. I would say macaroon. But does this make me common? Hollywood – macaRON, Bezza – macaRON… towards the end Mel and Sue – macaRON. Me… maca…ROOOOOON?

Double bake off eviction. We knew it would happen soon, and Mark and Deborah just had the worst weekends that the marquee has ever seen.

Jessica’s Hot Favourite Week 3: Once again, I’m going for Ruby. Her trifle was a taste of paradise, her isles flottantes were like clouds on a beautiful pool of creamy goodness and despite winging it (as she had first year Philosophy exams), she aced the petit fours. A+.

Who’s going to be pied off next week? Howard, Howard, Howard. The pure fact that #poorhoward was trending on Twitter is an indication that perhaps he might not last so long. I live in hope, but I fear it might be one too many catastrophic baking disasters.

I don't think Howard can handle the pressure (oven) next week...

 

And that is it for another week! I’m excited for pie week, I’m hoping for a good star-gazey pie from someone. Who will make rough puff or proper puff? Who knows the difference between shortcrust and filo? Will Christine pray to gods of crispiness? Only time will tell – until next Tuesday, have fun baking!

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