Rated R. does Great British Bake Off #2: Let’s get bready to crumble

Episode 2 of The Great British Bake Off was the one we sweet cake bakers dread – bread. There were highs, there were octopus-shaped lows, and there was plenty of salivating from myself. Let me give you my take on week 2.

 

Another week, another Bake Off. And what a week it’s been – bread week. A.K.A. the week Paul Hollywood turns into a demonic, baking nazi. “Welcome to yeast” was one particularly dark moment, where his glowing, steely blue eyes flickered with a Clint Yeast-wood style menace. Wow, were we welcomed to yeast. Here are top moments of Episode 2:

The only show on earth where breadsticks are served in a homemade matchbox. My hot favourite from last week Frances… well. First a squirrel cake, then matchstick bread sticks – don’t get me wrong, I am impressed – yet concerned it might be style over substance.

Ginger breadsticks, dipped in chocolate. But Bezza wanted more spice (saucy minx)

When Sue elbowed Howard’s muffin. If I were Howard, I would not, in a gazillion years, have been that calm and placid. He really didn’t look too bothered at all that one eighth of his batch was obliterated by Sue Perkins’ elbow.

Octopus loaf. A white loaf of bread, made into the shape of a psychic octopus. Absolutely sodding bonkers. Easily the strangest thing I have ever witnessed on my television screen in my 20 years of existence. The highlight was definitely the mad scientist, Rob, shouting at his proving dough, ‘RISE CEPHALOPOD’.

Christine’s scary, scary, very stare-y eyes. I am not sure if anyone else has noticed that her eyes nearly pop out of her face at the slightest bit of drama, but my LORD does she has expressive eyes. Her double plaited loaf was a masterpiece in baking architecture, but in the preview for next week… her eyes were nearly on the other side of the marquee at the state of her floating islands.

The acknowledgement that sitting in front of the oven, looking in, and praying, is fruitless and completely, irrationally insane… yet they still do it. Yes Glenn, I’m talking to you and your breadsticks. We’ve all been there (I’m thinking of one particularly strenuous afternoon and one very troublesome lemon curd tart), but at least when I do it, I don’t have millions of other people watching me.

Ruby’s peacock loaf. Looked sensational, had white chocolate in it… I was only sad that it wasn’t plonked in front of me with a brew so I could devour the whole thing. I have to take back what I said last week – I thought that Ruby was a goner. From my ‘expected to leave’ to Star Baker in a week, rise like a proving dough Ruby!

Lucy – understated baking is just boring. She made plain breadsticks. And then she made a tomato flavoured loaf… in the shape of a tomato… with tomatoes on top… She basically made a big, slightly undercooked, tomato-y bread roll. Which took her FOUR HOURS and was her attempt at being creative. Bye bye boring Lucy, you shan’t be missed.

Jessica’s Hot Favourite Week Two: Kimberley, easily. She was sensational and was robbed, I say, ROBBED, of the Star Baker accolade. Her peace cake looked sensational, she is so lovely and endearing and made some cracking muffins. And I quite liked her bitchy eyes at Ruby when she didn’t get Star Baker, shows grit.

Can Kimberley rise to the challenge next week?

Who’s going to be burnt to a crisp next week? Beca. I love her accent, she is a very bubbly girl but too many errors this week. Misshaped muffins. And an underbaked walnut wreath… I don’t think she can handle the pressure.

That’s my run down of the week. I simply cannot wait for another one of my favourite challenges: the petit four. Fondant fancies, macaroons, little morsels of sugary delights… I might have to go and delicately go drizzle some icing over miniscule little biscuits this second, because I can’t wait another week!

 

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